April 25, 2001
June l, 1957 - November 5, 2001
Good morning. The air is filled w/silence. Three A.M.? I wish to log on. Not as a victim of mets. Not as a statistic. I wish not to die a victim, nor live as one. I am not in my world view a victim. When I was born I was an individual of unique physical properties: finger and voice prints, heart beat, DNA.
Yes my body has cancer. My body has cancer. My body had its breast removed in 1992 & 4 rounds of CA. My body had the cancer come back in the pleura in 1994. My body, not my soul, not my spirit, not the who I am deep inside my eyes had 4 round of CMF in early 1996 and have passed the gauntlet of three different hormonal medications. Currently it is my body and not me who digests Clodronate and Letrozle (Femara.) I hope not to offend. I only wish to be known for the child I was who would wish with all her soul for wisdom. Long before the word cancer touched my flesh.
I feel I am here for a reason. I don't know what that reason is. I also feel there is things in my life that are here for a reason, even though I don't know what that may be. I came into this world a uniquely created being, with a spirit to be and with one that will go into eternity. Death to me is a transition. I don't want to be known as a victim when I die. No. Not a statistic,but a woman, who is and was and will be myself in my faith.
I am a spiritual person who has cancer. I do not, can not preach. Can't be bothered. Not my thing..... Nor can I ignore 40 years of dedicated searching for that something else over-and-above the day-to-day. I am a christian in a seeking, sense of one who was blessed with an awakening of my soul in 1990 and in which I had yes a meeting with my God.
This is a long thing. Its dark. The silence is thick. The day is yet unborn here. Outside there is a dusting of snow on the mountains. (The first of this season.) Seasons come and go, so do people. I will die, but not, I pray as a victim, but as a person who has experienced life with dignity, grace and yes love.
Good morning dear souls out there....
I respect you have read this long letter with some grace.
November 10, 2000